The Wellness Bitch

Through a series of unrelated and unfortunate events over the years, I realized I could not blindly trust my family doctor.

If I’m preaching to the choir today, this may be an obvious fact. Let me hear you say, hallelujah, amen! For others of you,  this may be blasphemy. For those still undecided, let me suggest you play a little game the next time you see you doctor for an illness or an injury.

RULES OF THE GAME
1. Notice the time your doctor enters the room.
2. Notice how much time your doctor looks at your chart, particularly your medical history. Particularly notice how much time said doctor reads your medical history before prescribing you a medication.
3. Notice how much time doctor spends advising you of possible side effects of medication he is prescribing. Notice the questions he asks you that would allow him to discover any possible contraindications for taking that medicine, including prior disorders, chronic illness, current and previous conditions ranging from asthma to infertility to insomnia to history of breast cancer, vitamins or herbs you take, other prescription or over-the-counter meds you take, and recreational drugs you enjoy.
4. Notice the time the doctor leaves the room. Calculate how much time doctor spent in the room.

If you think your doctor knows you, you are most likely wrong and in need of a WAKE UP CALL. Most Western-trained, conventional doctors have not been trained to treat you. They have been trained to treat a type. Sometimes you appear to fit into that type, and a doctor will diagnose you as being that type. Then he will treat you as he has been trained to treat that type. And sometimes you’re lucky–the treatment works. And many times you are not lucky. You might not notice the consquences immediately, but someday you will. Stop trusting your doctor like he is your ever-loving, all-knowing, compassionate God.  He’s not. He’s human. And he’s only as good as the training he’s had, his perspective on human well-being, and the time he spends knowing you inside and out.

TIPS: Integrative MD. Doctor of Osteopathy (DO). Naturopathic Doctor.

I’ve already made a ton of enemies among my friends and family who swear by Weight Watchers as a means for weight loss. I get it. It worked for you. Particularly if you’re like my mom who is a math genius and will latch on to anything that has numbers attached to it since she operates formulaically. (I mean that as a compliment.)

And if Weight Watchers is a means to an educated and empowered end for you, then perhaps there’s some value in those weekly meetings. I’m talking about the good stuff they offer: tips for lifestyle change, a push towards fitness, and a general sense of accountability and action. However, if you are simply counting points and buying the crap they’ve branded and sell in the grocery store under the Weight Watchers label (or endorse on their web site), WAKE UP, you are simply painting over the cracks, patching the holes, setting yourself up for much worse problems than being overweight.

Read between the lines.  110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 5 grams of fiber, and plenty of toxic crap that will make you really, really sick. But at least you’ll be skinny.

TIPS: Nutritionist. Whole food. Wellness coach.

There are three things you must never bring to my house.

Your gun.
Your hairy, slobbering dog.
And M and Ms.

Bringing any of these into my home is a major offense and grounds for immediate expulsion. If you don’t believe me, ask my sisters-in-law on both sides of my family. No f-ing dogs. I’m allergic and I’m sick of you loving your dogs up like they were human. Treat your dog like a dog and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come over to your house every once in a while.

The reason for not bringing your gun is, hopefully, fairly obvious. But why not M and Ms, you ask? After all, they’re a chocolatey, crunchy delight in your mouth and when you eat one you want another and before you know it you have a fistful and then another fistful and it’s crunchy and sugary and sweet and oh-my-god THE BAG IS F-ING EMPTY.  This is because I am an addict and M and Ms are my drug.

I firmly, even staunchly, believe, that sugar is an addiction for many the same way the bottle was for Betty Ford.  Oh, yes, I know. Mmmm…your addiction tastes good. Ohhh… it makes you feel so nice while you’re indulging in it. But the consequences are severe, and if you don’t believe me, ask Tiger Woods.

TIPS: Quit cold turkey. Keep sugar out of the house. Know where sugar lurks. The Yeast Fighting Program.

So, in case you haven’t noticed I’m wellness-focused, but not super-human (yet!). This weekend, 3 out of 5 of us here at my house got hit by a “stomach bug” marked by ongoing vomit, followed by lots and lots of laundry. I quickly ran to my vitamin stash and started frantically popping probiotics–thinking this would somehow keep the bug at bay.  Great idea, you may be thinking. Except for the fact that most stomach bugs are actually viruses, not bacteria. And while probiotics = good, they can’t actually combat viruses.  So, what’s a wellness bitch to do?

Not much. Save for counting on the healthy immune system I maintain by heeding my own WAKE UP calls and advice. Unlike the Zpak addict in my house…He’s facedown hugging the toilet, poor guy.

TIPS: Vitamin C. Kicking the sugar habit. Rest.

Did you know that a few hundred years ago baths were considered unhealthy? Private bathing was only for rich-folk. The common folk often shared bath water, so you can imagine just how clean family member #4 was when he stepped out of the wooden tub.

Thank God for modern times and modern bath water that is ultra clean, right? I mean our bath water has chlorine in it so we’re definitely going to step out sparkling fresh and germ free, right? WAKE UP. Perhaps it was a novel idea ages ago to introduce chlorine into the tap water system to get rid of germs. But we’re getting pretty clear on the short-term and long-term damaging effects of drinking and bathing in poisoned water: asthma, eczema, cancer.  BTW, chlorine isn’t the only bad shit we’re soaking ourselves in in the name of good hygiene.  Think  about all the presciption meds and illegal drugs you’ve flushed down the toilet over the years.

Why isn’t anyone doing anything about this?!? (Except for the Environmental Working Group and a few others.) Where is the outrage?!?  It’s bad enough we have to spend loads of money on water filters for our drinking water (most of which are unregulated and ineffective).  Now we have to worry about what we bathe ourselves in?

Yes we do! And we’d probably be better off stinky.

TIPS: Revolution. Whole house water filtering system (do your research!).

I got my period today. (“So that’s why she’s been such a bitch lately.”)

So naturally I’m thinking about tampons. Like anyone with half a brain, I switched a few years back to 100% organic cotton tampons which claim to be ”totally chlorine free” and “perfume free.”  What did you say? You’re still using Playtex, Tampax or one of the other brand of plugs we grew up on? WAKE UP CALL. Most tampons are made with rayon (a synthetic fiber) and some still contain a known toxic by-product called dioxin, which the EPA determined causes cancer in animals.  Not to mention the who-knows-what they infuse to create the artifical fragrance that’s supposed to make your vagina smell prettier.

What? TMI? How about this? My privates are so sensitive even organic cotton tampons irritate me. I think it’s time to switch to Glad Rags.

TIPS: Diva Cup. Natracare or Seventh Generation tampons.  Menopause.