The Wellness Bitch

I spent seven years as a proud vegetarian. For most of those, my main source of daily protein was a veggie burger. I prefered Morningstar, but flirted with Boca Burgers every now and again. I particularly enjoyed the “all-american” style which almost tasted like flame-broiled Burger King. Fake hot dogs, fake lunch meat, Chik’n, Facon…you name it. I pretended I was still eating meat, but what I was really eating was highly processed soy crap infused with salt and preservatives. (But, man did it taste good!) This is not to say that vegetarians and vegans should not visit high quality restaurants which serve up fancy preparations of tofu and seitan. But if your main source of protein is fake meat…well, WAKE UP, you might be saving innocent animals. But you’re killing yourself.

TIPS:  Beans, nuts, seeds, quinoa. Rice protein powder shakes. Natural foods chef.

Just because a white chocolate mocha is filled with so much sugar it tastes like hot chocolate doesn’t mean you can give it to your kids. Was I the only kid who grew up in the seventies and eighties who believes that “coffee will stunt your growth?” Did the rules change somewhere circa 1997 when Starbucks started making coffee taste good?

When you see me standing next to you by the barista, please know that it requires every ounce of restraint in my 5 ft 2-stunted-by-genetics-body not to grab the mocha frappacino with extra whip out of your teenage daughter’s hand and throw it in your face to WAKE YOU UP. Espresso is not a beverage you should be feeding your child. Nor is espresso with 43 grams of added sugar as the main ingredient. It’s bad enough you are drinking that shit. Giving it to your kids might not be considered legal abuse, but it’s definitely a contributing factor on the path to obesity or Type II Diabetes.

TIPS: Homemade organic hot chocolate on a snowy day. Tea.

When I was a kid we had a name for the condition which followed any fast food meal. We called it ”The McDonald’s Effect;” The symptoms of which included painful cramping and a desperate need to shit your brains out.

To be fair, McDonald’s wasn’t the only offender. So was Burger King, Subway, and Roy Rogers. We had to carefully map our whereabouts approximately 30 minutes following the completion of family dinner at McDonald’s to make sure there was a bathroom with a functioning toilet nearby.

Unfortunately for me, as I got older the McDonald’s Effect infiltrated my life.  It started off as an innocent “lactose intolerance,” but got progressively worse as I moved into my twenties where it was diagnosed as “irritable bowel syndrome.” I finally realized that IBS is a fancy way of saying “your body doesn’t like what you’re putting into it.”

WAKE UP CALL. Unless you have a stomach bug (which lasts 24 hours), the flu (which may last for a couple of weeks), or food poisoning, diarrhea is a sign that something is WRONG WITH YOU!  If there’s something empowering for you about keeping track of the cleanest bathrooms within a 10 miles radius, keep doing what you’re doing. Otherwise, take charge of your health and figure out what’s toxic to your body and stop eating it already.

TIPS: Elimination diet. Whole, unprocessed foods. The Yeast Connection.

Let me guess. One or more of the following supplements are in your medicine cabinet right now.

Vitamin D, Multi-vitamins, Omega-3, Probiotic, Calicum, Glucosamine, CoQ10, Oscillococcinum, Jumanji Jizz.

Ok, that last one was made up. According to my sophisticated calculation, the amount of supplements you take is equally related to how many issues of body+soul are on your bedside table right now. Depending on how advanced you are in the independent study that is holistic health and wellness, you probably have shelves full of vitamins, minerals and herbal blends you may or may not actually take in an effort to:

a. Keep H1N1 at bay
b. Prevent cancer, or
c. Just feel better, dammit!

Good job! You have proven that you are a voracious reader; you are the perfect case study in target marketing; and you still are looking for a medical miracle. WAKE UP CALL. Not all supplements are made alike. Many are pathetically poor subsitutes for nutrients your body should be getting from food.  I’m certainly not an expert in the field of therapeutic-grade supplements, but I know one thing for sure. Taking CVS-brand Vitamin C will do as much good for boosting the immune system as eating tree bark every day before breakfast.

Furthermore, you may not even be deficient in the vitamin you are taking! Be a responsible consumer. It’s hard work, and most of us would like to blindly trust commercials, vitamin shops, or our neighbors who rep companies who sell these products.  At best, work with a qualified integrative physician (someone open to alternative therapies) to discuss your needs; or a holistic health practitioner who can back up her recommendations for you with clear research and study.

TIPS:  Switch to Integrative Medicine. Bloodwork to test for deficiencies. Ask your TRUSTED provider for recommended brands of supplements.

Are you really paying attention to your health? Or, are you jumping on the bandwagon, choosing your wellness regimen based on the latest fashion? I carefully monitor the ingredients in my food, so you’d think I would be dancing down the aisles when Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods caught on to the gluten-free trend and produced lower priced options for gluten-free packaged food. But, unfortunately, most gf options don’t work for me. I eat nut-free, and dairy-free too.  Most gf foods have nuts or dairy ingredients. Great for celiacs. Too bad for me.

Many of you are riding the gluten free train without really knowing if this is the road to YOUR good health. If you decided one day to cut gluten out of your diet, and you feel 100% well, Mazal Tov! You either suffer from celiac’s disease (not so much mazal) or happen to be the rare individual who found the magic food bullet. But most of us suffering from food-related chronic illness (ie. anxiety, depression, migrains, weight gain, insomnia, diabetes, asthma, ADHD, autism) need to look beyond gluten. We need to be looking at dairy, at soy (GMO or not), sugars (including natural), not to mention artificial colorings, flavorings, preservatives. WAKE UP CALL. There IS no magic bullet. There’s no express train to wellness. There’s just you…trying to figure out the shit you should be paying attention to.

TIPS: Elimination diet. Google the food-mood connection. Feingold

I know it might be a little surprising to hear what I’m about to say, particularly from a bitch like me. It’s a little ooey gooey, mushy squishy. You ready?

In order to get the most out of your life, particularly in your relationships with others, you need to remember two things above all else. Love and listen.

In almost every single conversation we are having every single minute of every single day, we are asking some version of the same question. Do I matter? Do you love me? Am I worthy?

And no one is listening! No one hears or answers the damn question. You just prepare an answer. Which is really you asking your own version of the same question. And we do this ridiculous dance of insecurity.

What? You think you are above “the question?” I don’t think so. Next time you are trying to impress your boss, convince your spouse that tonight’s the night to have sex, get your kids to do their homework, WAKE UP CALL. What you are really asking is “do I matter?”

So for once in your life, shut up! And listen.

TIPS: Landmark Education. Eckhart Tolle.  Soul searching.