The Wellness Bitch

Hooray! It’s spring. We can all come out of our SAD-induced comas and enjoy life again.

Spring isn’t all glorious outdoor frolicking and youthful play, unfortunately. For many, Spring is a nightmarish Claritin commercial of hay fever, asthma, and itchy watery eyes.

It totally sucks. It makes you want to scratch your eyes out, rub your nose off, and reach for the pills.  I know. I empathize, truly I do. But now I’m going to rub something in your face.

Allergies are not bringing me down, this year. Uh-uh.

I’ve gone from being the child who swelled up severely reacting to every single environmental allergen on the panel; the child who had to get allergy shots three times a week; the child who was addicted to Afrin at age 12. From that child (and adult) to being one of those gloating fools whose nasal passages are clear despite the high pollen counts; who does not have every version of Visene stocked up in my medicine cabinet; who does not walk around with a six-pack of travel size Kleenex.

Rather than being paralyzed by my allergies from March to June (and then again from September to November), I now experience about two weeks of discomfort at the height of pollen season. That’s it.

What’s my secret? WAKE UP. There is no secret. There is no magic bullet. There is just me…paying attention…making changes…trying something new.

Is it my diet? Probably. Is it the vitamins I take? Maybe. Is it the fact that I don’t use harsh chemical cleansers to clean my house? Likely a combination of all the above.

There’s no official diagnosis: “Allergies eliminated.” So how do I know? I feel better. I see others are suffering and I’m not. And based on what I’ve read and learned, that probably has a lot to do with detoxing my diet and my home.

It’s not rocket science people. 

TIPS: Anti-inflammatory diet. Detox your home. Keep allergens outside, not in.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t BREATHE.

I CAN’T BREATHE!

Is there anyone between the ages of 14 and 72 that still thinks perfume fragrance is attractive? Please tell me you don’t.

What’s wrong with perfume (other than the fact that you are seriously forcing me to consider living in a bubble?)

Contrary to what you might think, your perfume does not come from flowers, nor does it come from the sweet juices of whatever citrus fruit it is supposed to smell like. It’s made with chemicals. Toxic, polluting chemicals…most of which are likely contributing to your headache, depression, asthma, allergies, rash, sinus pressure, or sore throat.

I’m clear that I suffer from multiple chemical sensitivity, but don’t think you’re in the clear just because you don’t get an obvious reaction to your fragrance. WAKE UP. Ever heard of ethanol? Formaldehyde? Acetone?  Yup. In your perfume.

Would you spray formaldehyde into the air and walk through it? I didn’t think so. So stop polluting my personal space. Get rid of it.

TIPS: ”Unscented” often means masking agents. High quality essential oils or flower extracts.

It’s an undeniable fact. Grandparents are out to get you.

They seem innocent enough. But you need to read between the lines.

What they say: “We’d love to babysit Junior.”

What they mean: “A ha. An opportunity to deprogram!”

What they say: “I’m at Whole Foods. What do you want me to pick up for the sleepover?”

What they mean: “I’m assuming as long as it’s Annie’s organic mac and cheese, I can feed it to him for lunch AND dinner.”

What they say: “He had chicken and apples for lunch…”

What they mean: “…at McDonald’s.”

What they say: “You don’t mind if I take him out for a special treat, right?”

What they mean: “I’m going to get him hyped up on sugar and dyes and then drop him off back with you, okay? Oh, and somewhere in the mix we’re going to fit in Chuck E. Cheese. There’s nothing like bright, flashing lights and loud noise to enhance the effects of artificial food coloring!”

I know I shouldn’t complain. What’s a little diarrhea and hyperactivity in exchange for a night off every now and again?

But that’s not the point, really. The point is MINDSET. Why does my mother feel compelled to feed her grandchildren McNuggets and send them back to me racing for the f-ing toilet? Why does my mother in-law insist on Starbursts and Skittles for my kid despite the clear evidence that food coloring makes my kid bounce off the f-ing walls? It makes no sense to me!!!!!

WAKE UP! I love you. You love my kids. Now stop poisoning them!

TIPS: Fooducate. Encourage them to bake cookies instead. Convince Sarah Silverman to make a video about it.

It’s a bit awkward, right, when Randy Jackson tells performers on American Idol, like he did the other night to Andrew Garcia, “man look, I love you, but it just wasn’t great, dude.”

Sure, you might grimace, feel bad for the poor sucker up there on stage taking it in front of a gajillion people. But, man, Randy’s right. He is, as he says, ”keepin’ it real.”

It’s the same way with WAKE UP CALLS.

As you know, screaming in your face is my own personal style. But I understand that it’s not the approach for everyone.

Why not try Randy’s approach?

“Dad, dude, I love you, but you do realize you’re poisoning yourself when you buy conventional strawberries, and eat them straight out of the container. Right? Like, you’re popping poison-covered strawberries in your mouth. Just keepin’ it real.”

“Yo, check it [Coworker X], it’s true your shit stinks, and I’d rather not smell it, but given the choice between your shit smell and your shit smell covered in Lysol, I choose just plain shit. You know? Just keepin’ it real.”

 ”Jane, dawg, I know you’re new to playgroup, but keep your f’-in rainbow goldfish out of my kids hands!  OUT OF MY KIDS’ HANDS! Just keepin’ it real…”

Sure, it might be awkward, uncomfortable, aggravating. But pretending that it’s okay with you, trust me,  is a lot worse. 

Just keepin’ it real, yo.

Everyone seems to be talking about how brave Michelle Obama is to be taking on the challenge of childhood obesity.

I know I should be thankful that someone of influence is finally taking on the sad spiral downward that is the health of our children. I’m optimistic, let’s put it that way.

I don’t know how brave it is, though. It’s long overdue, especially from a woman of influence who is also a mother.

In Newsweek this week, Michelle explains why she is “on a mission.”

What she’s got right:

“The well-being of our kids has too often gotten lost in the shuffle.”

“Our kids didn’t do this to themselves. Our kids don’t decide what’s served in the school cafeteria or whether there’s time for gym class or recess. Our kids don’t choose to make food products with tons of sugar and sodium in supersize portions, and then have those products marketed to them everywhere they turn…We’re in charge. We make these decisions.”

Thank you, Michelle, for calling it like it is. It’s the grownups in charge who are wronging our children. It’s the food industry; and the government that coddles the food industry; it’s the school administrators; it’s the uneducated, disempowered, and sometimes lazy parents.

But what I’m concerned about, is the single-focused mission of “Let’s Move:”  “To solve the problem of childhood obesity in a generation, so that children born today can reach adulthood at a healthy weight.”

Is that really the problem at hand, Michelle? Is it all about the weight?

You know it’s not.

You go on to say:

“Let’s Move is about families making manageable changes that fit with their schedules, their budgets, and their needs and tastes. It’s about giving parents the tools they need to keep their families healthy and fit, and getting more nutritious food—more fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and less sugar, fat, and salt—into our nation’s schools. It’s about helping grocery stores serve communities that don’t have access to fresh foods, and finding new ways to help our kids stay physically active in school and at home.”

This should be your mission, Michelle. This should be your statement. This is what grownups need to hear, and just as important, it’s what our kids need to hear.

If it’s all about the weight, what is the message we are sending our children?

The true message is not about weight. It’s about WAKING UP.

TIPS: Write letters to Michelle. Engage your principal in a wellness plan for your school. Share what you know with your children.

Why do so many of my posts have to do with food? Because you are not paying attention! Most of you would get a D- if I tested you on the origin of your food.  I would probably only get a B or a B+ at best.

What do I mean “origin of our food?” Doesn’t it come from the supermarket? And before that, the farm?

WAKE UP!  You’re not in Little House in the Prairie anymore. (RIP Merlin Olsen.)

Listen closely. If you haven’t seen Robert Kenner’s film, Food Inc. yet, you must immediately find a screening or simply press play on your laptop if you are a Netflixer. If you have no plans to see it, you are intentionally hiding your head in the sand.

One of the truest lines in the film (in life, even) comes from the most well-spoken farmer I’ve ever seen. “We’ve allowed ourselves to become so disconnected and ignorant about something as intimate as the food we eat,” he says.

We.

Are.

Disconnected.

Ignorant.

You already know how much I deride “point counters,” the people who care more about an imaginary measure of how fattening their food is than what is actually inside. But what about the time and effort many of us put towards exercise — running our faces off training for marathons–without thinking, or better yet, educating ourselves about what is fueling our bodies to output like this?

I’m not knocking a healthy fitness regimen. We need exercise, too! But, again, to work out in the name of good health without knowing the shocking and disgusting truth about the meat you’re preparing for dinner (washed in ammonia!) or the corn you’re serving (science experiment!), is just plain ignorant.

My husband shared with me that while he was deeply affected by the film, and now feels empowered to make even more changes to our family’s diet; overall, he feels powerless. “I know you’re going to hate what I’m about to say,” he said. “But, what kind of change can I possibly make?”

Start with one person, I said to him. Yourself. Then our kids. Then your parents. Then your friends. And so on.

TIPS: Eat locally-grown produce. Buy grass-fed, humanely-raised meat. Stop buying franken-food.