The Wellness Bitch

I’m on day three of a 21-day detox program. My program is being supervised by a holistic nutritionist/colonhydrotherapist, for those of you who are curious. It’s very much diet-focused, including the elimination of anything toxic that was still on my daily menu (organic cane sugar, caffeine, and gluten as the biggest offenders).

I’m actually doing a lot better than I expected. No major cravings, no terrible headaches, and no instances falling off the wagon yet. There was a close call this morning, though, involving a chocolate chip coookie.

Instead of the headaches, irritability, and cravings I expected, I got hit by some major chest pressure, asthma symptoms, and phlegm. Yeah, out of nowhere I started coughing and sneezing up phlegm. Most holistic practitioners would say that’s a normal, expected result of detoxifying. I’d agree. But it really took me by surprise. Plus, I haven’t been sure how to handle it since I’m on this strict program. Should I still up my vitamin C? (I did.) Should I add in some elderberry or zinc? (Yes and yes.)

I heard my own inner WAKE UP CALL this afternoon when I realized that I’ve almost completely gone over to “the other side.” In spite of the phlegm, the pain in my chest, and the asthma:

I did not consider for one second asking my medical doctor (who I conveniently had a well visit with yesterday) for medication.

I did not suck down some pharmacy brand cough syrup-DM.

I DID know what alternative regimen would work to support my immune system during this challenge.

And, best of all, today, as my chest pressure is really tight and breathing is becoming a bit labored, I did not reach for the asthma inhaler.

Instead, I reached for the phone. I called the massage therapist.

I knew that she could open that shit up.

Now, I could have also called a chiropractor I know. Or a Reiki practitioner. Both of whom have helped me with my asthma in the past. But, in this case, I had an intuitive sense that massage was what my body needed to be well.

This is a story without an ending, happy or otherwise, as I’m still waiting to hear back from the massage therapist.

That being said, WAKE UP CALL! The big diff between you, the average American, and me? You choose sick care. I choose well care.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a day job. I’m the founder of an organization called Mindful Living NJ, and I do a lot of the same work over there that I do here. Attempt to educate and empower people to make healthy, holistic choices.

For a while, I was blogging only as “Mindful Girl.” A like-minded, yet understated version of The Wellness Bitch, Mindful Girl attempts to change minds with information, reason, and compassion. I’m her. And she’s me. 

The Wellness Bitch was born of my innate need to scream in people’s faces. Because as good as I’ve gotten at sublimating my rage,  it still lurks deep within my petite, inconspicuous exterior.

Mindful Girl doesn’t scream. She nudges. She intimates. She chants. She cheers. The Wellness Bitch, as you know, takes no prisoners.

So, I have mixed feelings when I see the mainstream media reporting on “news” that those of us in the know have been discussing for years. When my college roommate and lil bitch Linnea posted this article from MSNBC.com on her Facebook status today– “Pesticides in kids linked to ADHD” –I chuckled.

Mindful Girl jumps up and down, cheering that our message will finally make it onto the desktop of Average Joe. Wellness Bitch, on the otherhand, snorts at the fact that MSNBC.com reports this as if it’s “just in.” A more accurate headline to this article would be “My Editor Finally Let Me Write This Story About The Connection Between Pesticides and ADHD Because Our Medical Advisory Board Approved the Study.”

Kudos to health writer JoNel Allecia for doing her part to educate the public. But her first sentence suggests she’s still unsure or answering to someone. “Exposure to pesticides used on common kid-friendly foods — including frozen blueberries, fresh strawberries and celery — appears to boost the chances that children will be diagnosed with ADHD,” she writes. (Emphasis is mine.) Really? We can’t just use the verb “boosts?” We have to soften it with “appears?” What’s the point of backing your story up with a scientific study if the credibility it lends doesn’t even allow you to use a nice active, direct verb? Jesus Christ, people! Grow a pair of balls!

It’s clear that even educated folks still have a little ways to go. I nthe article, one mom is quoted as saying she’d been feeding her child organic strawberries for a while, knowing that they’re on the “dirty dozen” list. But she hadn’t given frozen strawberries “a second thought.”

Mindful Girl would smile and make a mental note to add frozen fruits to my lists when explaining which conventional fruits and veggies are the most toxic.

The Wellness Bitch would say, “Think people! Think!!!!!”

Since my two personas attract two different audiences (with some overlap), I will likely continue to straddle both worlds. One leg in the peaceful realm of Mindful Girl “making connections that make a difference.” And the other kicking you in the face in an effort to wake you the fuck up.

Stop saying you can’t. You can. It’s called baby steps.

On your journey towards mostly whole foods…minimally processed foods…foods made from actual food, you can make some simple switches that your kids and spouse will hardly notice. And you’ll be feeding them food that’s not necessarily good, but better. The following suggestions are from a workshop I lead called “Clean Out Your Pantry 101.”

Van’s Waffles > Eggo Waffles (why? no food coloring!)

Whole Foods 365 brand cereal bars > Nutri-Grain bars (why? No high fructose corn syrup or food coloring!)

Organic Maple Syrup  > Pancake syrup (why? It’s from a tree, not highly processed GMO corn!)

Annie’s Organic Mac & Cheese > Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (why? no food coloring and no chemicals, hormones, etc.)

Cedar brand hummus > Sabra hummus (why? no preservatives)

Back to Nature Chocolate Chunk cookies > Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies (why? no transfats, no artificial flavorings)

Applegate Farms organic beef hot dogs > Oscar Mayer weiners (why? sooooooo many reasons. no nitrates, no food coloring, lower sodium, no preservatives, no hormones, no antibiotics)

If you want to know why food coloring, preservatives, nitrates, GMOS and high fructose corn syrup are bad for you, let me know. I’ll be happy to bitch “Toxic Shit In Your Food 101″ per request.

I bought my mom the cutest little BPA-free, stainless steel water bottle for Mother’s Day. Not exactly the first item on her wish list, but she appreciated the sentiment.

My mom is a bottled water drinker. She’s been keeping Costco in business for over a decade stocking up on cases of Poland Spring.

Maybe you’re like my mom and drink “purified” water from plastic bottles because you think it’s better for you or tastier. Or maybe you’re like the average American and you have a refrigerator in your house that promises “filtered” water. Or maybe you’re like me and you were scared into buying a “system” that promises “ionized,” “alkanized,” “magnetized,” or “distilled” water. 

I’m not a water expert. But I know enough to be scared that the water I’m drinking and bathing my kids in is TOXIC. But what’s worse is that I really don’t know what’s better.

There are two areas in the field of holistic health and wellness in which I tread cautiously…water and supplements. And so should you. Because the bottom line is (and I’m about to piss off some of my lil bitches who represent water and vitamin companies), some of the stuff that’s being marketed as healthy and safe is not. Or, the products are safe, but the return might not equal the investment you’re making.

As with choosing a health care practitioner, be mindful about your purchases. Ask questions.  Take the time to do research. Learn the credentials of the person you trust with your wellness decisions. And remember, just because an “expert” has a degree or certificate doesn’t make him wise. And just because a person sounds wise, doesn’t mean he’s kind. And just because someone is kind, doesn’t mean he knows shit about what’s best for your family.

WAKE UP. You know what’s best for your family. Now, go do some research.

TIPS: What’s wrong with plastic water bottles.  A list of drinking water contaminants. Drugs in our drinking water.

As you know, I am a wellness bitch loud and proud. People in my life have actually started introducing me that way to perfect strangers. Or, my husband for instance, will say something to the effect of, “watch out, here comes the wellness bitch.” As if I’m Bruce Banner morphing into the Incredible Hulk.

It’s all good.

What’s also fun is how much people relate to the concept of being a wellness bitch. I get comments like, “yeah, I’m the wellness bitch in my playgroup. People are terrified to bring snacks into my house without checking with me first.” Or yesterday, a practitioner I met for the first time said, “Is The Wellness Bitch anything like the Reiki Nazis I know?”

People who are passionate about health and wellness do not blend in with the crowd. They may not have a podium to speak on or rant daily on a blog, but people in their lives know what they’re up to.

For me, bitching usually happens around the topics of food, childbirth choice, parenting, education and health care. But I’m curious to know what you’re pissed off about. What WAKE UP CALLS are you sharing with your family and friends? What do you want to say that I may not be bitchin’ enough about?

Use The Wellness Bitch today as your podium. Go ahead. Rant. Here.

I’d say “keep it clean,” but that’d be hypocritical, wouldn’t it?

In an op-ed last week in the New York Times, columnist Nicholas Kristof writes that a recent report from the President’s Panel on Cancer blows the whistle on “weak laws, lax enforcement and fragmented authority” suggesting that government basically operates as if “chemicals are safe unless strong evidence emerges to the contrary.” Basically, this confirms what organizations like the Environmental Working Group have been saying for years: chemicals (in our food, in our home, on our skin) are linked to cancer.

Kristof goes on to say that 41 percent of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives. I know you’re smart enough to do the math. That’s almost half of us.

That means you or your husband.

You or your child.

You or your mother.

You or your sister.

Who’s it going to be?

I know it’s scary. And I know most of us are either pretending it’s not true or hoping that when cancer strikes we will be so old it won’t matter. (Is that ever the case?)

Kristof’s piece in a mainstream publication like the New York Times is a hopeful harbinger of a future in which people actually start paying attention to the shit that’s killing us. But this future is not going to come about easily. There are a lot of people who are hell-bent on silencing us.

Instead of feeling paralyzed. Let’s mobilize.

If you’re ready to be part of the revolution, say “aye.” I want you on my team and coming soon, I will let you know how.