The Wellness Bitch

I was half watching some MTV show the other day and saw a commercial for “Nair.” Any girl who went to summer camp or lived in a dormitory at some point probably experimented with Nair. It seemed like a much better alternative to razor burn, right? I won’t say who exactly, but someone I know very intimately once even tried using Nair on her eyebrows because she was sick of the pain associated with waxing. This despite the warning on the box that says, “Don’t Use Near Eyes or Mouth.”

We women have it rough with all this hair removal crap. Why in this modern society we’re still expected to shave our pits, wax our lips, and see the Brazilian at the salon for “down there,” I don’t know. But most of us still conform. At least I do. (Though, since I got married, I tend to get a little furrier in the winter. Keeps me warm and all that.)

But Nair? After I saw the commerical, I chuckled nostalgically, surprised that Nair still exists. Then I realized, “Wait a minute. If that shit can zap your hair away in less than five minutes, it must be seriously toxic.”

According to Wikipedia:

Products such as Nair often combine softening agents such as mineral oil to help offset the harsh active ingredients. Some of the important active ingredients are Calcium Hydroxide and Sodium Hydroxide. Calcium hydroxide, traditionally called slaked lime, hydrated lime, slack lime, or pickling lime, is a chemical compound with the formula Ca(OH)2. (Concentrated) Calcium Hydroxide qualifies as Health Level 3 on the “Diamond” of the NFPA 704, a standard maintained by the U.S.-based National Fire Protection Association.

Behind it is the even stronger Sodium hydroxide (NaOH), also known as lye and caustic soda, which is a caustic metallic (alkali) base.

So what’s this ”fire diamond” standard? It’s used by emergency personnel to “quickly and easily identify the risks posed by nearby hazardous materials.” Level three indicates that short exposure could “cause serious temporary or moderate residual injury.”

 Yikes!

And this chemical is packaged in pretty little pink bottles marked “Apple-licious” all ready for teen girls (and their moms!) to snatch up at the drug store.

All in an effort to look less hairy…for who?

Pathetic.

Do you bike to work? If you do, you are kinder to the environment than I am…at least from that perspective. And  you are likely in much better shape than I.

That being said, you’re like two seconds away from being road kill.

I have a love/hate relationship with bikers. I am envious of your commitment and your stamina. But I’m also tempted to nudge you over with my car.

Is there an official statement from the Department of Motor Vehicles about how to handle bicyclists on the road? And where’s the license to operate? Where are the rules? 

I know this rant seems a bit counter to The Wellness Bitch’s modus operandi. I should be cheering and praising the guy in front of my car who is forcing me to either drive 10 MPH in a 25 MPH zone or clip the car coming at me on my left. But the average biker seems to be riding in la-la land, which isn’t very healthy or responsible. Meanwhile, my friends who ride accuse me of being an insensitive, aggressive driver.

Who’s at fault?

I say, let’s blame the government.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was enamored with this woman I casually knew who already had two kids. She seemed to have it all together and her parenting choices came easily. She was the first person I knew to take on an elimination diet (she did it while nursing a baby with severe eczema) and the first mom I heard suggest that watching TV was bad for kids. Her reasons made sense and her implementation seemed manageable. I went home to my husband and said, “No TV on in our house while our baby is awake, okay?” He said, “Yeah, I’ll do it.” (Secretly, he rolled his eyes because he knew there was no way I was giving up Buffy and The Bachelorette.)

He was right. TV turnoff during baby awake time lasted about 15 minutes. Since our baby was not a sleeper, and we were TV addicts, this baby was exposed to some prime time from the get-go.

That being said, I was very careful about what he watched (no cartoons, not even Dora, for the first three years) and how much, until I was pregnant with number two and would do anything to make sure I got at least one nap a day. Then it all went to hell. Seven years later, he’s watching TV and I walk into the room and say, “Is this appropriate for you?” If he says yes, I’ll usually pause, glare at him like I mean business, and walk away.

I’m actually less annoyed about the TV shows these days then I am about the commercials. As if it’s not bad enough to feature young kids hocking anything from artificially-colored crap masquerading as breakfast to processed shit masquerading as lunch, now they have kids warning their friends on the other side of the screen that their dad might die from cancer.

“Dad? Are you going to get cancer?” my 7-year-old asked us this morning out of the blue. What?!? Where did that come from?

“The TV just said 28,000 men die of cancer every year and then they showed pictures of kids who don’t have dads to play with.”

As you can imagine, I am very much in favor of WAKE UP CALLS. And maybe it’s my own fault for letting my kid watch the Cartoon Network before school. But that is a low blow. Clever campaign? Perhaps. But still very much straddling the line of inappropriate.

WAKE UP CALL. While we can all thank the Heavens for Noggin and remark on how our child learned the days of the week from watching Zee, TV goes from bad to worse after preschool. And, the violence and inappropriate language are only half of it.  That crap my kid’s already learning at school from friends whose parents have no boundaries at home.

What’s scarier to me? What they’re subtly learning about love, life, death, and relationships. What they’re learning about other people and about themselves.

It’s time we tune in.

Things I get really bitchy about:

Toddlers walking around with Rainbow Goldfish crackers
Preschoolers with Trix yogurt packed for lunch
Hyperactive school aged boys sucking down Gatorade

Women who don’t even want to hear the word VBAC; they just opt for repeat C
Women who swear off breastfeeding because they think it’s gross
Women who count points, but don’t bother to know the true nutritional value of what they’re eating

Men in white coats who masquerade as God
Men who bathe in synthetically fragranced cologne to cover their BO
Men who roll their eyes when you ask the waiter if the steak is cooked in butter

This is just a snippet of my bitch list, but now I’m soliciting yours. Post your bitch list in the comments section above. If you’re interested in GUEST BLOGGING about any of your bitches, indicate as such in your comment, and I just might be in touch. (Keep in mind, our guest blogs are short and to the point, not your opportunity to rant for three days about your mother-in-law or rat out your coworker.)

I’m getting clearer and clearer that so many of us have plenty to bitch about and not so many outlets to do so. The Wellness Bitch is here to help, lil bitches.

I invited respectful debate recently on the WB’s Facebook fan page about “nut-free school zones.” As a parent of a child with severe nut allergies, managing his safety at school as been a top priority for us since he was diagnosed at 2 years old. In other words, it rocked our world. And not in the good way, a la sex with a professional baseball player.

Nut allergies forced me into the position of advocate and watchdog. They turned me into the mom who always hangs around at birthday parties and the one who watches what your kid is eating at the playground. Trust me: This sucks. I hate it. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be the mom who can do the happy dance when her kid gets to “drop off party” age. But I am not. I’m me.

After a conversation with a friend recently (a friend who thinks nut-free school zones are a load of crap), I realized that my opinion about nut-free zones has shifted a bit.  While I am still adamant that schools have a responsibility to protect children with food allergies (in much the same way they accomodate children with physical handicaps or learning disabilities), I don’t know if allergen-free schools are the answer.

I still believe that parents of children without food allergies often speak and act without compassion when stating their “need” to feed their child nuts or nut butters in school. Most people will agree that it takes a “been there done that” experience to truly get another person’s suffering. When I hear a mom whine that her child will eat nothing but peanut butter, considering my child will die if he eats it, I have to restrain myself from shaking her. (I do have more sympathy for moms of autistic kids who say so…I’m not a monster.) As a mother of children with multiple food allergies and sensitivities, I’ve had to figure out what to feed my kids with a hell of a lot more restrictions than friggin’ peanut butter. Figure it out!!!!

All that being said: What’s the best solution to protect a growing number of young children with severe (LIFE THREATENING) food allergies? And, what can we do to make sure that parents still have healthy choices to feed their non-allergic children?

I don’t know the answer. But I think it lies in public dialogue and conversation. I think it lies with open hearts and minds. I think it starts with walking in the other person’s shoes. A task we humans seem to find very difficult.

Ever since I first tried on my mom’s Clinique-brand blue eye shadow in the fifth grade, I’ve tried to make makeup work for me. To no avail.

I was never very good at applying it, at picking out colors or shades, or using it to my advantage. I was really good at making my lips look cum-alicious in Junior High with lipticks from L’Oreal named “Zinc Pink” or “Silver City Pink”, but as a kid makeup made me look like a whore and as an adult like an aging movie star (and by aging I mean blind.)

It doesn’t help that I’m also super sensitive to most makeup. The day before my wedding, I went to the makeup artist for a practice session. And good thing I did. I broke out in hives so bad that I would have been better-suited to marry The Elephant Man.

Since then, I’ve managed to find one brand whose blush and eyeshadow I can tolerate without swelling up or choking, but that’s about it. I know this is due to the fact that most makeups ARE POISON. As those of us who are health-conscious know, most beauty care products contain cancer-causing, hormone-altering chemicals. Somehow it doesn’t stop us from using them!!! (You know I mean you!)

It’s bad enough we’re using them; but think about the impact on our pre-teen daughters.

A few years ago, the “Teen Body Burden Study” found 16 toxic chemicals in blood and urine samples from 20 teen girls from eight states and the District of Columbia, aged 14-19, including preservatives, fragrance and antimicrobial compounds. Many of these are linked to serious health risks in lab animals, even at low-dose levels.

There are plenty of makeups (even some worn and promoted by celebrities) that are chemical-free. I can’t vouch for any of those because most of them have nut oils, and we don’t do nuts.

WAKE UP: If your teen is spending her allowance on makeup, you might want to monitor what’s she’s got inside that Walgreen’s bag.  Furthermore, if beauty is your thing, remember: your skin is porous. You’re not just painting your face, you’re sending that stuff into the bloodstream.