Just the farts, ma'am
14 Nov
One of the things I’m most proud of in regards to my work as the Wellness Bitch is that I get to help so many people who are shitting their brains out. “Shitting Your Brains Out” happens to be the most popular search string for people who randomly find The Wellness Bitch.
Typically the phrase is preceded by “why” or “how to stop,” but sometimes it just stands alone, as if the victim is declaring it as part of a 12-step program:
”My name is Clark. And I shit my brains out. ”
I’m truly hopeful that a handful of people who have found their way here have since figured out how to stop shitting their brains out. If not, my recommendations include “give up McDonald’s,” “try an elimination diet,” and “cut down on sugars and fats.” But, surely a long term cure for shitting your brains out usually requires an individualized approach (why do you shit your brains out?), commitment (stop doing the things that make you shit your brains out), and community support (visit TheWellnessBitch.com).
While I’m happy to host the serial poopers of the world, I’d really like to increase my readership of people with stinky farts.
It’s rare that someone discovers The Wellness Bitch by searching for “retched gas” or “hot and juicy farts” or “stink ass.”
I’d like to change that.
If you’re brave enough to google “stinky farts,” you’ve likely stumbled upon the “Facts on Farts,” or SmellyPoop.com.
Both offer fairly useful, basic info on why some passed gas smells and some doesn’t. A cuter version of this info comes in the form of one of my kids favorite books, The Gas We Pass.
My dad, who is genetically responsible for all my stomach woes, bought me the book when I was in college. It was sort of a private joke, and I’ve held it on to it since then, mostly with the intent to read it to my kids when they ask, “Mommy, why do you pootz so much?”
The worst smelling gas I ever had was immediately following my c-sections with my kids. It was so bad I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with myself. My poor babies — they were on the breast like 10 times a day during that time. Can you imagine what they thought of the world? Hanging out with me and my stink ass all day long?
It didn’t take me long to figure out the cause was a big time yeast overgrowth in my gut. I had been indulging in lots of sugar before my births and then had my gut cut open. I had IV antibiotics in the hospital and oral antibiotics in the weeks following — standard procedure post c-section.
No one suggested probiotics to me. Not even my midwife. No one considered that between the surgery and the antibiotics, I might have some big time issues with yeast. It only finally occured to me when my baby and I both ended up with thrush. Having been on the train wreck that is yeast overgrowth before, I suddenly realized WAKE UP CALL! The retched gas is probably yeast-related.
In an attempt to cover my bases, though, I wasted two hours in the office of a local gastroenterologist. After he explained to me the stuff I already knew about beans and sausage and cauliflower, I asked him about yeast overgrowth.
He said to me, “Nah…I don’t really believe in that.”
Luckily, I didn’t believe in him.
Once I got the yeast fairly under control, the farts simmered down.
Now, on the contrary, the time during which I had the least amount of gas was soon after that.
I went on an elimination diet while nursing my son who was sensitive to so many foods I could only eat a variety of about 10 without him shitting his brains out or ripping his skin apart from itchy eczema. Missing from my diet was anything processed, sugar, caffeine, gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, citrus, and nuts.
My belly was finally at ease. No bloating. No gas. And beautiful regular poops.
It didn’t last. Because as thin as I got and as good as I felt only eating 10 foods, I couldn’t keep it up for too long. Maybe someday it will be easier, like when I live in my custom made, mansion sized bubble.
So, what’s the takeaway here, stink ass?
The average doctor will tell you yeast overgrowth is a myth.
The average doctor in 1855 would have told you germs were a myth.
If your gas clears a room, it’s likely yeast or food intolerance or, like me, both.
You can continue living in denial and gagging every time you let one rip, or you can get it under control.
Wellness Bitch, I think I love you. You are my poop and fart soul mate.
PS. I had the exact same scenario after my c-section, complete with two doctors telling me they didn’t believe in candidiasis in patients who weren’t undergoing chemo or suffering from full-blown AIDS. (WHAT?!) But my chiropractor believed me, put me on a treatment plan, and I got better very quickly. WIN!
You rock, Bitch!
Another informative read on this topic is the book, What’s Your Poo Telling You? Its written by a gastroenterologist and his college pal who was keen on fart jokes.
I stumbled on this book years back at Urban Outfitters of all places.
They’ve now rolled it out into a calendar, a journal (a poo log, they call it) and lots of other crap including What’s My Pee Telling Me.
Its a nice blend of useful information along with some humor. A nice combination.
I’m really surprised there aren’t more people searching for “I can’t shit.” Maybe an idea for a future blog…
Mendy: I don’t think people associate constipation as a “health issue,” do you? It seems more and more, people are understanding that diarrhea as a symptom of IBS, for instance, is often caused by food intolerance (gluten and dairy are getting the most hype), but people can’t seem to wrap their brains around the fact that constipation is also a SYMPTOM of something gone awry in your body. These folks are often so focused on how to get the poop out (laxative, Miralax, suppositories), that they don’t really get to the bottom (sorry, bad pun) of what’s causing the constipation.
In the case of parents of young children: Constipation + eczema; or constipation + adhd; or constipation + irritability. Meaning, all of it is chronic illness/symptoms in response to food and/or environmental factors. I just saw a brochure in my pediatrician’s office about constipation for kids and the information was brought to you by, none other than, a LAXATIVE company. Surprise, surprise. Nowhere did it say that the 20 oz a day of cow’s milk you’re giving your toddler could possibly be the causal factor in the constipation.
Jen
You’re a real gas! and I absolutely Love this post!
And Susan I’m lookin for that book! I think I’ll give it to my Son in law for Christmas…
What Mendy said: the bigger national problem is that people aren’t shitting enough. Constipation makes a lot of sense for us because we don’t eat things like, you know, vegetables. And not to be all TMI on you, but I lean vegan and am never constipated. Really. I have vague memories of it as being really unpleasant but it hasn’t happened to be in years and years. I believe my shitting to be pretty much optimal.
Emma: I congratulate you on your optimal shitting. You should be proud!
OMG. I am laughing my brains out. I found this blog searching to find if leaky gut is a myth. The wellness bitch is now on my blogroll!
Thank you for the most entertaining explanation I have ever heard. You have a fan here.Still wiping the tears. lol