The Wellness Bitch

For the amount of time and money I spend at Whole Foods, it would probably make more sense for me to stop blogging and start working there. Between what they’d pay me and the employee discount, I’d be making a great contribution to my strained family budget. Not to mention, I already know the employees and the layout of my local store so well, it wouldn’t take much time for me to transition.

Furthermore, I defend this grocery chain as if I’m related to Whole Foods co-founder John Mackey. I take it personally when people refer to the store as “Whole Paycheck” and I scoff at those who actually think that shopping at Trader Joe’s is comparable. (Clearly they don’t read labels.)

Like any business, particularly forward thinking ones that take risks, Whole Foods is not without its faults. This recent interview with Mackey in USA Today highlights some of the corporation’s biggest blunders in its 30 years, but it also provided a forum for Mackey to answer some burning questions about Whole Foods philosophy. And I have to say, I’m impressed with his answers.

I’m also impressed with his commitment to the lifestyle he sells. He’s a vegan, first off, and when asked: “Wal-Mart now sells more organics than Whole Foods. Does this drive you crazy?” Mackey responds:

They have a lot more stores than we do. … But the fact that Wal-Mart now sells organic food makes me proud. Organic has become mainstream.

Indeed. And in no small part thanks to the efforts and marketing dollars spent by Whole Foods.

Yes, he’s a businessman. And yes, he’s far richer than I.  And yes, there’s probably some PR spin in there. And, no I haven’t hired a private detective to give me the full dirty scoop on John Mackey.

But, I believe this guy wants mainstream America to WAKE UP. Whether they shop at Whole Foods or Wal-mart.

And that’s the kind of guy (and business) I can be proud to be associated with.

(Psst…John Mackey…If you’re reading this and want to hire The Wellness Bitch as your mascot…let’s talk.)

Do you know how many people find The Wellness Bitch doing a search for “shit?”

A lot.

Let me give you a random sampling of search string terms people use to find us:

Mucousy poop

Shitting like crazy

Foul-smelling shit

Dairy and gluten make me crap all the time

Runny shit after eating McDonald’s

Shit your brains out

Shit in mouth (Now, I really don’t know why you are searching this or how The Wellness Bitch applies, but WELCOME!)

Isn’t Google awesome? You can find anything and anyone on the Internet. Community is everything nowadays.

Just think. For years, we were all shitting our brains out, yet none of us could figure out why or communicate with each other. Doctors didn’t know what to do with us beyond prescribing innards twisting meds or sending us to a shrink. You thought you were alone and crazy. Or a freak of nature. You avoided cheese and crowded trains and eating cheese on crowded trains.

But, now you have a resource and a friend in The Wellness Bitch.

Don’t be embarrassed or afraid. I don’t know your name or where you live.

All I know is that pooping is often a painful process for you. But help is on the way. Continue sifting through this blog. Something will likely resonate and put you on a path to a less painful, less stinky tomorrow.

Unless you want to know more about “shit in mouth.” That I can’t help you with.

Why does it take a crisis to spring into action?

Is there a psychologist, sociologist, or behaviorist that can explain this to me?

A friend of mine struggled with his inability to motivate for years until he got a diabetes diagnosis. Now, a few months later he is in amazing shape and on a strict diet and workout regimen.

Another person I know quit smoking when she had a cervical cancer scare. She tested positive for the HPV virus and quit smoking cold turkey on the spot.

This is not uncommon. I’m sure you’re familiar with this exact type of situation or you know someone who is.

The other day a Facebook friend posted a link to this story, an “Eco-Alert” quoting a renowned virologist, Frank Fenner, who thinks it’s very likely

humans will probably be extinct within 100 years, because of overpopulation, environmental destruction and climate change 

Yikes! This guy is no looney conspiracy theorist, either, apparently. He oversaw the eradication of smallpox, for crying out loud.

As a not-so-in-the-closet catastrophist, I took this blog post very seriously. But I feel fairly paralyzed as to what I can do about it.

I’m just little old me and despite doing the best I can to WAKE PEOPLE UP, combined with a strong personal effort to treat the planet and my fellow man with kindness, people just don’t seem to get it. It’s as if the majority of our friends and countrymen are waiting to hear the president in the form of Morgan Freeman get on the TV and announce an asteroid is coming before they actually TAKE THIS CRISIS SERIOUSLY.

The article concludes:

While many scientists are also pessimistic, others are more optimistic. Among the latter is a colleague of Professor Fenner, retired professor Stephen Boyden, who said he still hopes awareness of the problems will rise and the required revolutionary changes will be made to achieve ecological sustainability. “While there’s a glimmer of hope, it’s worth working to solve the problem. We have the scientific knowledge to do it but we don’t have the political will,” Boyden said.

When we get to the place where a scientist thinks there’s only a “glimmer” of hope, we’re a breath away from crisis.

Consider yourself diagnosed.

There’s a lot of discussion and griping about how wellness is only for the wealthy.

That the poor are so desperate to feed their families, that they have no other choice than to buy cheap imitation grape drink and Dollar Store brand cheese doodles. That the poor don’t have the benefit of spending time in Barnes and Noble browsing through Michael Pollan books. That the poor are so tired from working two jobs that they can’t summon up the strength to do more than throw some canned franks and beans into a pot to warm.

I’d like to know how those people– those compassionate champions of the working poor — how do they explain it when middle class Americans…or even upper class americans with nannies and luxury cars …make those same choices? Because they do. I see it all the time.

I walk into a $1 million home to pick up my kid from a playdate and find him eating rainbow goldfish crackers.

I see nannies pushing overweight kids in stroller. And moms in designer shoes handing their two-year-olds mocha frappaccinos to sip on.

I’m not a cold-hearted bitch. But I don’t think eating or living well really takes much money, brains, or higher education. Clearly, if that’s all it took, we wouldn’t be seeing commercials for Abilify, alongside ones for Macy’s One Day Sale.

Hey. Come a little closer. I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

I’m not rich. I put on a good show with my nice house and leased mini-van. My kids in their hand-me-down Old Navy clothes. My mock designer hand bag from Target.

But we’re struggling. We have debt. We count our pennies.

I don’t have the money for a gym membership or a trainer or even to go to weekly yoga classes. I take books out of the library or buy them second hand on Ebay.

But don’t cry for me. And don’t think I’m complaining that my life is so hard.

But, I think that bad lifestyle choices aren’t reserved for the poor.

And it’s about time we stop having that conversation and move on. Frankly, it bores me.

Your sympathy and your outrage would be better spent WAKING UP our government. And our schools. And your neighbors.

On my way to the office this morning, I spotted a woman walking to the train station with a can of diet coke in her hand.

I know if confronted, she’d compare her morning cola to the cup of coffee that her workmates drink. (As long as she didn’t tell me to go fuck myself instead.) And, it’s true: Coffee (particularly the average 7-eleven or Dunkin Donuts variety,with a splenda thrown in) is not that much better at all.

Now that we agree, I really need to WAKE YOU UP to the fact that you are not getting your work day off to a great start with a chemical cocktail of aspartame and caramel color.

Want to know why you’re known as the bitch around the office? Why you feel cranky at 10 am? Perhaps your job sucks. Your boss is an ass, and all that jazz.

But trust me, if you started your day off with sauteed spinach and garlic, with turkey bacon thrown in (like I did!), your shitty job and boss might look just a little bit better.

Epidemic is one of those scary medical words. Make me think of smallpox or avian flu or pus-filled postules.

But, really an epidemic is an illness (or anything really) that is widely prevalent or spreading rapidly.

I first heard the term epidemic used in conjunction with childhood chronic illness when a friend recommended Dr. Kenneth Bock’s book, “Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma & Allergies.” His explanation of why and how these illnesses are becoming epidemic really made sense. And turned me into a bitch on a mission.

I want people to start friggin’ listening to parents who know that something is wrong with their kid.

And I want the people in charge to start taking these epidemics seriously the way they would a mass influenza outbreak. I’m not looking for masks and yellow jackets, per say. But a pamphlet or a PSA would be nice. Or how about a statement from the AMA or the AAP?

Recently, I started reading a new book on the subject: “A Compromised Generation: The Epidemic of Chronic Illness in America’s Children” by Beth Lambert. I’m still only in the introduction, but already the author has shared a really, relevant, and aptly stated WAKE UP CALL:

All children exhibit occasional temper tantrums, hoarding of toys, constipation, and hyperactivity… However, it is not normal when children exhibit any of these symptoms chronically or with particular intensity and severity…

Below is a partial list of the 50 or so symptoms Beth Lambert includes in her book that, if occuring with regularity, should serve as WAKE UP CALLS for parents and practitioners.  So many people I know (including the best and brightest doctors) tell me that the symptoms below are not a big deal. And, as the author says, “because these are normal child behaviors they are often dismissed.” Personally, I have been dismissed by my child’s doctor for colic, IBS, gas, runny stools, heartburn, and eczema.

Which of these symptoms has your child’s doctor pooh-poohed?

• Red cheeks after eating
• Chronic runny nose or cough
• Red or hot ears after eating
• Chronic or recurrent ear infections
• Chronic strep or sinus infections
• Frequent diaper rashes in babies
• Cavities or excessive tartar, or bad breath despite proper dental hygiene
• Dark circles or bags under eyes
• Mood swings
• Tummy aches
• Distended pot belly
• Constipation
• Excessive gas or flatulence
• White coating on the tongue
• Frequent loose stools
• Recurrent urinary tract infections or yeast infections
• Excessive hyperactivity
• Sensory seeking behavior” always looking to crash into people, objects

WAKE UP. All are potential symptoms of a bigger deal. Just because they have become so prevalent, doesn’t mean they are normal.